Preschool Hell

I was feeling a little low when I woke up today: It's Christmas season and I'm far away from home, and I've been sick for a week. I miss family and friends, American-style supermarkets and wide open spaces - to quote the Dixie Chicks.

Even stinky old Los Angeles has more open space than Taipei. This morning as I picked my way through an alley mined with dog shit, I thought about how I would be thrilled just to enjoy the openness of a Target parking lot for a couple minutes. Public green space is seriously scarce here. In these parts the "backyard" is, truly, a foreign concept.

I arrived at school thinking my dollface nubbins would pick up my spirits. As I prepared my classroom, I listened to them practice their Christmas play upstairs. They've been practicing every morning for about a month. I could hear them saying their lines interspersed with teachers' voices yowling "STAND PROPERLY" and "DON'T MOVE!" Pretty much an average morning.

Then my boss came downstairs.

"Ok Teacher Leslie, come along. We go to play. Bye bye!" She motioned to follow her down to the first floor. The other two teachers fell in step behind us. One of my students started to cry.

Me: What's going on?
Vancouver: They did really bad this morning with their play.
Boss: So I told them we are going to leave .... BYE BYE STUDENTS!

Ten pairs of big black eyes watched us from the top of the stairwell.

"NNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo" Someone wailed.

We got outside and shut the door. Vancouver, my boss, and the other Chinese teacher burst out laughing. Then my boss cracked the door open, there were at least two voices bawling. But that wasn't enough.

Boss: Students! I'm going to call the police. We're leaving! The police will come by later. Bye bye!

The crying got louder.

Vancouver (to me): Calling the police is the ultimate threat in Taiwan to students. I thought it was mean when I first started teaching, but now I do it all the time.

Most people, myself included, would think reducing an entire preschool to sobs would be a disaster. But where I work, I guess it's a ... character building exercise? A motivational experience? I was clearly the only adult present who didn't think it was an awesome idea. Not that I have any problem making little kids cry, my brothers can attest to that. But a whole school?

A couple minutes later we walked back upstairs. Two of my four students were wracked with sobs, snot trickling down their faces. My boss called two more students into her office (one of mine) and yelled at them in Chinese.

By 10:05 a.m. three of my four students were in tears, and the other sat in his chair staring ahead stonily. Wonderful.

Me: So! Who wants to sing Looby Loo?

(We usually sing first.)

They shook their heads solemnly.

Me: Okay well what would you like to do.

What I would've liked to do was hug them. They were pitiful. I wasn't upstairs to see, but they probably were being a little bad during play practice. But ... THEY'RE FOUR. And they're memorizing lines in a foreign language. And they have to remember their stage blocking. And they're supposed to be good. ALL AT THE SAME TIME. The expectations were never so high when I was four.

Ivan: I want draw a picture.
Me: Okay. We can draw pictures.

We drew tomatoes, carrots and celery. This week's unit is vegetables. That's 4.5 hours of English learning centered on veggies. Next week it gets worse: household chores. I don't believe whoever wrote this textbook was ever four years old.

A few minutes later Ivan wiped an impressive booger on the table and everyone giggled and pointed, so then things were pretty much back on an even keel.

But if I ever had any delusions about a future for myself in early Chinese education - and I didn't - they would've been dashed today.

Insufferable Gambling Wench Pt. 2: Desktop Wars

I wrote about her first here. She is my employer's sister and thus feels entitled to use the school's office computer for online gambling at her pleasure. This is the second in what I fear will be an ongoing series of altercations with her.

She walked in just as I finished printing test evaluations for my 4-year-olds.

Test Evaluations. 4-year-olds. Absurd, no? Don't blame me, I just work there.

Anyway, I'd just finished doing what I needed with the computer and was stapling everything together - still seated at the computer - when the haggard old queen walked in. She didn't look at me, didn't address me, didn't say anything. She just sat down across from me and swiped the keyboard out from beneath me.

It was a gesture of stunning rudeness. And I'm fairly sure it was intentional. I think she was attempting to flex her power over the desktop because I dared ask to use it for work while she gambled last week.

Alright, leatherface, it's on. I will gladly test your iron grip on this old, slow, almost-worthless piece of machinery.

She took the mouse and started to close out of the documents I was using. And just as swiftly I planted my thumbs and index fingers on the corners of the keyboard, looked her in the eye, and smiled.

"Could you please give me just one minute?"

She doesn't speak English, but my intentions were clear.

She jumped out of her seat and ran over to the phone. I saved everything I needed and closed all my documents. As I did this, she barked into the receiver in Chinese that I couldn't understand.

I think she lunged for the phone so she wouldn't have to stand around empty handed while I finished my business. By the tone of her voice it crossed my mind she could be tattling on me, but I think the chances of that are slim. The owner is absentee, he lives in Shanghai. What's she going to say? "I was trying to get my gambling done and your employee insisted on finishing her work before I commandeered the computer."

It took under a minute for me to save and close everything. I turned around and smiled, motioning to the computer.

"Okay. All yours."

She didn't smile back.

She's been on the computer every day, morning and afternoon, this week. Sometimes I walk by and catch her using the mouse with one hand and picking her nose with the other, quite the multitasker. Nose picking isn't as taboo here as it is the States. But it's mostly older people that do it. Nose picking and guanxi. She must believe in the old ways.

I understand and admire the importance family connections play here. But no family connection, no nothing should entitle someone to use business equipment for pleasure at the expense of employees (she doesn't work at the school, she only comes to gamble). All my coworkers walk on eggshells around her. I'm not going to.

Lost in Translation: Burned Cheese

Signage for a European fusion restaurant in central Taipei. I think I'll eat elsewhere.

The Difference Between 4th and 6th Grade

A recent phone conversation with my 4th-grade brother.

"Hey how are you?"
"Good?"
"Whatcha up to?"
"Not much."
"How's school?"
"Fine."
"What are you learning?"
"Not much."
"Did you do anything fun this weekend?"
"Not really."
"What are you doing right now?"
"Watching the game."
"Do you want me to let you go?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Bye. Miss you. Love you. Bye."
"Bye."

Total elapsed time, 2 minutes, 17 seconds.

A recent phone conversation with my 6th-grade brother.

"Hey, how are you?"
"P dumped me."
"Really?"
"Well I dumped her first, but then she cried at school. So then we went back out again and then she dumped me."
"When did you dump her?"
"Like around lunch time, a couple weeks ago."
"Brother, always, ALWAYS dump them at the end of the day on Friday."
"Why?"
"So then they can go home! And not cry at school!"
"Oh, okay. Hey, I have a new girlfriend."
"Who?"
"K."
"Oooooh."
"Why did P dump you?"
"Because J is her best friend and he dumped H, and P was just copying J. And now C is going out with this guy, R, and I don't really like him, he's kinda ... well he always gets in trouble and stuff. Oh, and now H is going out with B."
"What about D? Is he still going out with L?"
"No he dumped her."
"Why?"
"He said he wasn't ready."
"Not ready for what?"
"I don't know."
"Why don't you know! He's your best friend!"
"So! That doesn't mean he told me everything about what he's not ready for."
"Oh. Ok. What else is going on?"
"I had a sleepover at B's yesterday. G, D, J and M were there. Oh! And there was a dance Friday and I slow danced with a BUNCH of girls. H, N, C -- and some eighth graders!"
"Wow."
"Hey I wrote a new song."'
"Can I hear it?"
"Okay."
-he runs to get his guitar-
"That was really good. Hey how's school?"
"Fine."
"What are you learning?"
"Not much."
"Okay, I better go."
"Okay."
"Talk to you soon, miss you."
"Miss you too, bye."

Total elapsed time 23 minutes, 36 seconds

i-Lan

From i-Lan Field Trip

Today I accompanied my school on a family field trip to i-Lan, a scenic area about an hour from Taipei. When I awoke this morning my voice was still completely gone, but I'm not one to miss a free opportunity to see more of the country. So I drank a cup of tea and hopped on the bus.

The kids couldn't understand why I was only whispering to them. Some of them whispered back, some of them just ran away. There parents were probably thinking, "Great, they've hired a mute to teach my son English." On the bus back to Taipei, I fell asleep and awoke with drool dribbling down my chin. So much for sophisticated foreign English teacher. We'll probably have 30% withdrawal on Monday.

I thought we'd be sightseeing, but it was more of a field day. The kids got to do some crafts and run around in a big grass patch - something they don't get to do often enough in ultra-dense Taipei.

It was good having some time with my little charges where I wasn't supposed to be beating them over the head with knowledge.

Merry Black Friday

I'm going to bypass Thanksgiving greetings since I missed out on the family and feasting this year. The highlights of my T-day were photographing an Asian Nazi and making a double cheeseburger run after work.

I feel like an evil mucous demon has taken up residence in my head and chest. And after a full day of teaching, I've completely lost my voice. My Canadian co-worker told me I can expect to feel approximately the same for the rest of the year since I have no immunities to Taiwanese bugs as of yet.

Despite my Turkey Day humbugging, I would like to ring in the most wonderful time of the year: shopping season.

And I will do so with the following which I found while hunting for kiddie carols. I dare you to find a YouTube Christmas video that matches its greatness.


I have watched this several times a week since I found it. I hope you will come to love and cherish it as I have.

And again!

I exited the train station today and this time I was ready, armed with my Canon PowerShot. Observe the Adolf hair. It's blurry, but that's the SS bolt on his right shoulder.

Seen below, Asian Nazi enters 7-11 and reads a magazine, rubbing elbows with the normal human beings. I used my zoom lens to take this one from the bus stop.

If I keep seeing him around, I will need to buy a felt hat and a bull whip. Everyone knows Indiana Jones is a Nazi's worst fear.