Ivan the Budding Xenophobe

I can't lie, I have a few favorites, and 4-year-old Ivan is one of them. But on Friday he dashed any illusions I might have had that I am his favorite too:

During class, Ivan turned to one of the other students and said: "I don't like meiguoren."

Now, the truth is he probably didn't know how to say Americans in English. But the mischievous grin on his face told me he also thought I wouldn't understand him.

Me: WHAT?! How come? Why don't you like Americans? Why don't you like meiguoren?

Ivan: I don't like. I only like Taiwanese people.

Me: Why?

Ivan: Because Taiwan people is so cool.

Me: How come you don't like Americans?

Ivan: I don't like speak English.

Me: No?

Ivan: I only like speak Chinese.

Me: But WHY don't you like Americans?

Ivan: Because Americans is ... Gang-Gang!

All the other students laughed when he said this. I didn't know what "gang-gang" is, but thankfully one of the Chinese teachers walked in.

Me: Teacher, what is gang-gang? Ivan said he doesn't like Americans, that Americans are gang-gang

Teacher: Oh it's just a word they like, it was in a move last year, some movie you know at the museum one night-

Me: Night at the Museum?

Teacher: Yes, that one! Someone said gang-gang in the movie. And now they just like to say it.

When she said "gang-gang" my students burst into gales of laughter and "gang-gang"s. From the way they said it - and from what I remember of the movie - I deduced that the "gang-gang"er was the Easter Island head that harasses Ben Stiller throughout.

And that's what Ivan thinks of me and my countrymen.

Have it noted, this is the same kid who grabbed a lock of my hair a month ago and asked, "Teacher, why so ugly?" Of course, I did the sensible thing, grabbed some of his bangs and replied, "No, no, why so ugly?"

Making up for New Year's

I have to work tomorrow - only a couple hours - but I don't usually work Saturdays. And I'm not the only one being pressed into this unusual six-day work week: All the kids will be in school, and most businesses (from what I'm told) will be having their employees come in too.

Why? Because New Year's Day and the day after were national holidays (Thursday and Friday, in case you forgot already). Taiwanese government doesn't hand out four-day weekends willy-nilly. This Saturday and next Saturday are government-mandated regular work days imposed to compensate for the lost Thursday and Friday.

What's the point of a four-day holiday when you have two consecutive six-day work weeks to look forward to?

They're baaaaaaack!

Rock of Love, season 3! The boobs are bigger, and the girls are dumber. Who knew season 2 could be outdone. And thanks to VH1.com, I get to watch it all.

If you don't know - Rock of Love is a reality show where lots of vile, nasty women get drunk, choke each other and vie for the heart of Bret Michaels, lead singer of 80's glam rock band, Poison. Basically, this is Bret's swan song.

I believe we're entering the golden age of reality television: First there was MTV's Real World, which was really boring, people sat in a house, talked out their problems - yawn. But look how far we've come - reality shows are now so divested from reality that the same long-haired, eye-liner wearing bachelor can attempt to find his true love amidst a pack of interchangeable floozies time after time after time.

Rumor has it this is the final season. But I don't buy it. I think we'll be watching Bret search for his leading lady longer than people were watching Gunsmoke or Ozzie and Harriet.

Breakfast of Champions

I thought I knew something about Chinese food before I moved here: I'd done Dim Sum, been to Chinese New Year dinners, and James occasionally made me congee.

Of course, I only had to be in Taiwan a matter of days to realize I barely scratched the surface in the States.

I never had a green onion pancake before moving here - an oily flatbread made with minced green onions, and sometimes fried with an egg. They're available at most breakfast shops for about $30NT ($1 U.S.). Now I eat them at least once a week.

I would go buy one right now except the breakfast place downstairs is already closed for the day.

Leslie Eats Where She Craps

This weekend I ate Sichuan-style hot pot out of a ceramic toilet bowl.

More Pictures: Modern Toilet, the restaurant

It went down at Modern Toilet, a restaurant franchise with a bathroom theme. To eat or to pee? Its website proclaims. And no, none of the patrons looked older than 32.

James and I dined with Panda and B, whom we'd never met. Panda and I became familiar through our blogs (read her telling of it here). She and her husband live outside Taipei, but were traveling to the big city for the day, so we decided to get together.

"I'm sure they'll be nice! They're from the Midwest!" I reassured James on our way to meet them.

On the other hand, I'd watched plenty To Catch a Predator. And I knew if these people offered lemonade and candy to lure us down some dark alley - Chris Hansen would not be able to save us.

But our new friends didn't disappoint (they even sounded like they were from the Midwest!). James and I haven't met many people and we've met only a few Americans. So it was refreshing to sit down with a couple who understood the importance of college football and giant margaritas at the favored Mexican joint. I can't take that kind of common ground for granted here.

As for Modern Toilet, well, that's best explained in pictures:

We paid twice the price for bland food. S'ok. We were there for the atmosphere.

Taking a sip from my commemorative urinal, mine for $30NT ($1 U.S.)!

New Friends

Shaved ice came on a dish shaped like the squat toilets I use in the subway.

I left my signature in the sink basin below the glass table top.

Girl throwing up gang signs at the end of the table? We don't know her.

During dinner we talked about the strange habit some people have here of asking to take pictures with us white folks. There are too many of us around to be very novel, especially in Taipei. And what does one do with such a picture? Stick it in the family album: "And look, there were some honkeys we saw there too..." Maybe it's a national inside joke. I really don't know.

Anyway, B was telling us how odd it was the other day when a stranger plopped her toddler on his lap and whipped out a camera when the girls at the table beside us asked to take pictures with them. So I asked them to take one on my camera too - proof I am so fabulous strangers want my picture.

Deaf Chihuahua and Dancing Queen

The year 2008 ended in a dive in Nankan (if someone would've told me that 12 months ago...). I didn't want to brave the madhouse in downtown Taipei. So instead watched Taipei 101, the world's tallest building, explode into a column of fireworks on a projector screen in a narrow, smoky bar up the street from my apartment.

I rang in 2009 holding a Heineken in one hand and a deaf chihuahua wearing a pink tracksuit in the other. I guess he was the bar dog, but he looked like the father time canine incarnate. Old and frail, he smelled like cologne and cigarettes, not dog.

After midnight, I began the new year right by winning a popularity contest - a lifetime first for me.

The Radiohead cover band that played before midnight packed off its gear and the dance contest began. Asian girls, like white girls, are bad dancers. So I was completely in my element. And I managed not to blacken anyone's eye with a rogue elbow. After one Flo Rida and some DMX, I got the loudest claps.

"Yay! Dancing Queen, Dancing Queen! You are dancing queen!" The bartender handed me my prize, a bottle of peach wine cooler. Then the host announced Dancing King, and the guy's friends - unsuccessfully - attempted to depants him. The two of us danced a victory number together.

Some guy at the bar, who introduced himself as "Willy," shook my hand half a dozen times.

A beefy gentleman wearing a wifebeater handed me a shirley temple and managed to talk the bottle out of my hands (who drinks that stuff anyways?).

Several minutes later he brought it back.

"My brother say you dancing queen! This only for you!"

At 2 a.m., James and I trundled home and fell into bed. I got up the next morning and called my family. Reactions were as follows:

Me: "I won a dance contest!"
Dad: "Wow, sweetie! That's great!"

Me: "I won a dance contest!"
Mom: "Really."
Me: "That would've never happened in the U.S."
Mom: "Noooooo. No it wouldn't have."

Me: "I won a dance contest!"
Brother: "REALLY? Were there just Chinese guys or guys like you there too?"
Me: "Umm, just Chinese guys."
Brother: "Oh you probably won because you're not Chinese."
Me: "WHAT?"
Brother: "They're probably trying to be nice because you're new and you're not Chinese and you're a teacher and stuff."

Clearly, my father loves me best. But my brother takes home the prize for brutal honesty.

A Really Cool New Year's Greeting from My Brothers

They also do a great version of "I saw the light."