The Difference Between 4th and 6th Grade

A recent phone conversation with my 4th-grade brother.

"Hey how are you?"
"Good?"
"Whatcha up to?"
"Not much."
"How's school?"
"Fine."
"What are you learning?"
"Not much."
"Did you do anything fun this weekend?"
"Not really."
"What are you doing right now?"
"Watching the game."
"Do you want me to let you go?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Bye. Miss you. Love you. Bye."
"Bye."

Total elapsed time, 2 minutes, 17 seconds.

A recent phone conversation with my 6th-grade brother.

"Hey, how are you?"
"P dumped me."
"Really?"
"Well I dumped her first, but then she cried at school. So then we went back out again and then she dumped me."
"When did you dump her?"
"Like around lunch time, a couple weeks ago."
"Brother, always, ALWAYS dump them at the end of the day on Friday."
"Why?"
"So then they can go home! And not cry at school!"
"Oh, okay. Hey, I have a new girlfriend."
"Who?"
"K."
"Oooooh."
"Why did P dump you?"
"Because J is her best friend and he dumped H, and P was just copying J. And now C is going out with this guy, R, and I don't really like him, he's kinda ... well he always gets in trouble and stuff. Oh, and now H is going out with B."
"What about D? Is he still going out with L?"
"No he dumped her."
"Why?"
"He said he wasn't ready."
"Not ready for what?"
"I don't know."
"Why don't you know! He's your best friend!"
"So! That doesn't mean he told me everything about what he's not ready for."
"Oh. Ok. What else is going on?"
"I had a sleepover at B's yesterday. G, D, J and M were there. Oh! And there was a dance Friday and I slow danced with a BUNCH of girls. H, N, C -- and some eighth graders!"
"Wow."
"Hey I wrote a new song."'
"Can I hear it?"
"Okay."
-he runs to get his guitar-
"That was really good. Hey how's school?"
"Fine."
"What are you learning?"
"Not much."
"Okay, I better go."
"Okay."
"Talk to you soon, miss you."
"Miss you too, bye."

Total elapsed time 23 minutes, 36 seconds

Merry Black Friday

I'm going to bypass Thanksgiving greetings since I missed out on the family and feasting this year. The highlights of my T-day were photographing an Asian Nazi and making a double cheeseburger run after work.

I feel like an evil mucous demon has taken up residence in my head and chest. And after a full day of teaching, I've completely lost my voice. My Canadian co-worker told me I can expect to feel approximately the same for the rest of the year since I have no immunities to Taiwanese bugs as of yet.

Despite my Turkey Day humbugging, I would like to ring in the most wonderful time of the year: shopping season.

And I will do so with the following which I found while hunting for kiddie carols. I dare you to find a YouTube Christmas video that matches its greatness.


I have watched this several times a week since I found it. I hope you will come to love and cherish it as I have.

Meet Ivan

I've seen all the boys in my all-male morning class reduced to big boo-hoo tears at least once. All my boys, but one.

Yes, everything is a really big deal when you're a little kid, but I'm sure the fact these boys all get to be the little prince at home has something to do with their outbursts. Getting to be first in line is huge, even if we're just going to the bathroom to wash hands. I threw a tantrum or two in my time, but not ever over getting first crack at the soap.

The non-crier is Ivan. He is also the non-smiler. I'm told he had a meltdown. Once. A year ago. It happened when the teacher tried to dress him up as a mouse for the Christmas play. He wasn't having it. Can you blame him? He wore his regular clothes for the performance.

I don't know who picked Ivan as his "English" name. To me, "Ivan" calls to mind a burly, Russian sailor, but the name suits him. He isn't a bully. But he has a stoic confidence about him that makes me think I'd want him in my corner of the sandbox.

Ivan's primary interests are ghosts and monsters. He reminds me of this at least twice a day.

Me: Okay students, can you say-

Ivan: What's this?

He points to my scarf, obviously disinterested in whatever I'm going to teach for the day.

Me: That's my scarf.

Ivan: Why scarf?

Me: Because it is cooooold (making the *brrr* motion).

Ivan: Oh. I like cold AND ghosts.

Or on another occasion....

Me: Today we are going to review office!

(Please, remember I neither wrote nor endorsed this textbook)

Ivan: Office have so many ghosts.

Me: Is that so? How many?

Ivan: One hundred ghosts.

Or a week earlier....

Me: Students, what animal do you like?

Ivan: I like monster!

Me: That's not an animal.

Ivan: Have monster at home.

Me: Really?

Ivan: In bedroom.

Me: Ooooooh! Did it BITE you?

Ivan: No, No ... I .... PSH, PSH, PSH, RRAAAAAAAH!

He pantomimes beating the tar out of a monster. Personally, I think he's telling the truth.

Going to Church in Taipei

I had good intentions, but since arriving in Taiwan my Bible has sat unopened on my nightstand. The only thing I've used it for is as a coaster when I drink beer in bed. Don't worry, I get up and brush my teeth afterward.

At the FCC Halloween party a very nice couple invited me to their church. I begged off a couple weeks, once because we were out of town, once because I was dog tired.

The thing about church invites is if you accept but put it off too long, the inviters will start praying for you. I didn't want it to come to that. So this week I finally went.

Grace Baptist Church is in the Taipei university district. It looks like a gigantic, brick Pizza Hut - quite a contrast from the cozy church on 2nd street my family attends back home.

James wasn't going to come. He was afraid someone would accidentally spill Holy water on him and his skin would melt off. But he had an interview in the area shortly before the service. To allay his fears, I told him even though it was a Baptist church, I was reasonably sure there wouldn't be any baptisms tonight. And I was right, the sanctuary was Holy water free.

"Where are P and Q?" James asked when we arrived. P and Q were the people who invited us.

"P told me he couldn't come this week because he has to study for a test." I said. "And Q is part of the worship team so we should see her after the service starts."

"What's the worship team?" James asked, fear in his voice.

I assured him the worship team wasn't a brute squad that came around to prod people who didn't have their hands in the air for "Shout to the Lord."

"They're just the people who lead the songs."

I enjoyed the service. I'll probably go back next Sunday. James will most likely stay home and light a candle for the audial gods who gave the world the KORG DS-10, a synthesizer program for Nintendo DS. Now James can pretend he's Timbaland wherever he goes. Or at least he can until I give it to one of my students. I will do so on the conditions that said student only play English games on it and that I never ever have to see it again.

30 dolla' Fashion Show

Taiwan: You'll come for the "experience," you'll stay for the shopping.

Shopping here is something else. The malls are filled with Japanese boutiques that I try to avoid on pay day (ankle boots and waist jackets should not take precedence over groceries). And the streets are filled with markets where there are racks and racks of cute things that are dirt cheap.

If you're willing to pay, Taiwan has great shopping. If you're not willing to pay, you can still buy a ton of clothes.

I've done a bit of both. And herein will illustrate how to stretch $30 (U.S.) in the world of Taipei apparel.

For $30 you can buy....



One adorable vintage-style hat from Muji. That's quite a bit for one hat, but I've been looking for one for a couple months now. I almost dropped $50 on one from a Banana Republic. So I'm pleased with this find.

I can't wear it often because it's too warm. But it will be put to good use when I move back to windy old Florence, Oregon to live out the rest of my days in my parents' garage. They just started reading my blog, and now is as good a time as any to drop that bomb on them (hi Mom, hi Dad!).

Or...For $30 you can buy all of the following.

You don't get to try stuff on ahead of time, but the price can't be beat even if you do take home a couple unbecoming rags. Here is - in order of least to most adorable - everything I bought for $30, total, at Wufen Pu, a large market in Taipei where many night market vendors buy clothes wholesale. It's probably the best bargain in the city.

Pollution-colored maternity shirt. This shirt is really ugly, but it's good enough for the 4-year-olds.



white shirt with some leaves and buttons on it. More classroom couture.

A teachery-teacher smock. I try to make this face as much as possible in the classroom.



A beige shirt dress.

Show me sexy

A green shirt dress. I had to resew all the buttons on this when I got home.





A plaid shirt dress. Can you guess what sort of phase I'm going through?

And a flowery shirt dress.

My goal is to replace the weight in books I brought to Taiwan with clothes. I brought about a dozen books, including several large hard covers. But I'm well on my way to achieving this dream.

Homecoming

I left the pad at 8 a.m., I didn't get back until 10:30 p.m. I'm leaving again at 5:30 a.m.

Before I go to bed, here is some beautiful art by David Shrigley.

In a Name

It's really hard for Chinese people to say my name. After two months of visiting Nini, after we went on vacation together, just last week she finally asked to me to write my name down so she could remember it.

Leslie is an uncommon name without near equivalent Chinese sounds (counter example: "Obama" is very easy for Chinese people because the same sounds are used in their language).

While there are few people I meet in Taipei who've ever heard "Leslie," there's no shortage of people who've heard of America's favorite collie.

Job interview, after job interview, I walked in and said, "Hi, I'm Leslie."

And the response I got was, "OH LIKE THE DOG!"

"Umm, no not quite, that's Lassie, I'm 'Lessssss' Lieeeeeeeeeee.'"

"Oh. I would think that sound like the dog, you know? the one? the dog I talk about?"

"Yes. I know, but my name is a little different."

I started pronouncing it Leh-suh-Lee to stanch this line of confusion. And I contemplated just using my middle name, Anne, to make things easier on everyone. But that's a decision I should have made before I came. Now I don't want to be Leslie to some, and Anne to others- that would over-complicate my life.

I feel bad for people when I introduce myself because I can see they're struggling to wrap their mind around those two syllables. It reads like English knitted into their furrowed brows, "What kind of name is that? She can't possibly think I'll remember that."

I recognize this look easily because it was only a few months ago when the positions were reversed.

USC has a huge international student community. I was part of USC's salsa club which attracted quite a few Trojans from overseas.

A lot, if not most, the Chinese students had English names they used on campus -- Eddie, Elaine, Richard, etc. Not so with the Indians. I made quite a few Indian friends through dance outings and my typical introduction was something like:

"Oh nice to meet you...(indistinguishable muttering)...My name is Leslie."

Then in the back of my mind I was thinking, "C'mon there's got to be a way you could shorten, abbreviate, demystify that name. My lips, teeth and tongue will never be able to properly form those syllables."

I don't think I correctly pronounced my friend Sumanth's name until he came and visited me and my family in Oregon for a weekend. Sumanth isn't even that hard, as far as Indian names go.

Ah,what's that saying about someone else's shoes?

A Mother's Love

Over the course of human history, there have only been two great inventions.

Sure, there have been plenty of pretty good inventions: the yo yo, the electric spaghetti twirler, the polio vaccine, etc. But all those pale in comparison to the two greatest gifts ever given to the world:

The first was the Gutenberg printing press. The second was the tampon. One was the springboard for modern democracy. The other made every day of the month worth living for half the world's population. I'm not going to say which was more important. Okay, I am: the tampon.

There are some super old printing tiles at the National Palace Museum, but I have no idea where Taiwan is hiding all the tampons. They cannot be found.

In most all grocery stores there's an aisle full of pads, all shapes and sizes, all variety of pastel packaging (cue: shudder). Then, hidden in some dark corner, maybe there's one sample-size box of o.b.

I emailed my mom and asked her to send me my matchstick jeans and Basic Economics: A Citizen's guide to the Economy. My dad bought the book for me three years ago. Now that the world economy is going to hell in a hand basket, I need to actually read it. If I'm going to spend the first decade of my working life in a bread line, I should know why.

I suggested to Mom maybe she could substitute packaging peanuts with tampons. I let her know if she couldn't find my book and jeans, just sending a box full of tampons would also be acceptable. Because, for serious, there are none here.

Mom sent all three items, bless her heart. Now I can get educated, I can wear my fancy pants, and I'm not confined to the couch for an interval of the month lamenting woman's lot in the world.

Plus, since Ma sent the tampons in the original boxes, I have a delightful centerpiece for the dining table. Every night I look up from my rice bowl and this big blue pyramid reminds me of all the wonderful things America has to offer.

Breaking my Vow of NaBloPoMo

You probably don't know unless you're participating, but it's NaBloPoMo - National Blog Posting Month. To partake of the NaBloPoMo, one is supposed to blog every day.

However, we are headed to Jade Mountain for the weekend. Jade Mountain is the tallest mountain in Southeast Asia, if you count Taiwan as part of Southeast Asia, I'm told.

I'm up and it's not even light out because we have to catch the train at 7 a.m.


We'll be back Sunday, so I'll only miss one day. Although, it seems like kind of cop out to have one of my blog posts for NaBloPoMo be about how I'm going to fall short of NaBloPoMo perfection.

Oh well. I need to go find a hat.